Aloha nation foodies! After my post-Covid revenge travel binge in 2021 (you know, that phase where everyone collectively decided "YOLO" wasn't just a meme), I took a one-year hiatus from my quarterly Spam-and-poke pilgrimage. But the islands called me back. Here I am in Oahu, December 2022, with a full report. Let's get into it.
The Good
Da Bald Guy — Giovanni's Worst Nightmare
Saw this on a Netflix special and had to investigate. Verdict: where have you been all my life? Same garlic butter shrimp energy as Giovanni's, except — plot twist — the shrimp comes already peeled. No more looking like you just lost a fight with a butter sculpture. They also do a boneless braised Korean kalbi and a pan-seared poke that are both unreasonably good. One catch: they close at 2pm or whenever they run out. Set an alarm.
Royal Lobster — Waikiki's Best Kept Secret
A lobster roll that uses actual lobster tails instead of the claw-and-leg filler that every other place passes off as premium. It's tucked away in central Waikiki near the Royal Hawaiian. The garlic mayo sauce should be studied by scientists, and the Korean couple who run it are the nicest people you'll ever buy crustaceans from.
Liliha Bakery Butter Rolls — Emotional Support Carbs
Warm, fluffy, grilled butter rolls arriving alongside a plate of Loco Moco drenched in gravy. Pair with a glass of red wine at lunch because you're on vacation and nobody can stop you. I'm convinced these rolls could solve minor international disputes.
Restaurant 604 Bloody Mary — Practically a Meal
Overlooks the Pacific near Pearl Harbor. Great view, chill vibe. The Bloody Mary is comically large and comes garnished with an entire jumbo prawn, basically making it an appetizer with alcohol. $13 plus $3 for a double. The 12-minute drive from the airport makes this a perfect jet-lag remedy. Just saying.
The Bad
Tonkatsu Tamafuji — 3-Month Wait, Zero Regrets
Reservations are now booked 3-4 months out, which is absurd for tonkatsu. My workaround: go on a weekday, arrive at 3:45pm (15 min before dinner service), put your name on the walk-in list, and pre-order while they clean your table. You'll wait 30-60 minutes instead of 90 days. The food justifies the effort. Barely.
Ocean Vodka Left Costco — A National Tragedy
The organic sugar cane vodka in those cool blue bottles? Gone from Costco. I'm not going to be dramatic about it, but I did stand in the liquor aisle for a full minute in silence. You can still find it at Safeway, so all is not lost. But it's not the same.
Nico's Pier 38 — Trust Issues
Right next to the fish market, so naturally I assumed fresh seafood excellence. Wrong. Painfully average. Their "happy hour" is just the appetizer menu at full price with a different name. That's not happy hour, that's false advertising. Go to Paia Fish Market instead for a proper blackened catch of the day.
The Ugly
Cops. Cops Everywhere.
Something happened in the past 12-18 months because there's been a definitive surge in police presence across Oahu. Also, previously free parking lots have quietly converted to pay lots. Check every sign before you walk away from your car. Learning this the hard way costs $35.
Hawaiian Airlines Lost My Bag (And My Faith)
Lost my main bag. Tried calling customer service. Waited 4+ hours. Considered learning semaphore flags. Pro tip: split your essentials across multiple bags and keep anything critical in your carry-on. Yes, they'll eventually compensate you, but buying replacement underwear at a Waikiki ABC store is not the vacation experience anyone wants.
Despite it all, Hawaii remains undefeated for the combination of food, weather, and plate lunches with medically irresponsible amounts of gravy. See you next time.